so this xanga was made to update my friends and family on my life in nicaragua...but here's a new entry for my WYLD LIFE girls to drop me comments... my last one is getting kinda crowded.
so girls. you know about the www.xanga.com/WyldLife_Divas page... but if you want to leave me one personally this is the place to do it :)

i love you girls loves, YOU BETTER KNOW THAT BY NOW! :)
Jen

thursday, my last day in nicaragua, my last entry in xanga. thanks for sticking with me, i have had unbelievable support this past semester. i have learned that when people pray for you, no matter how far apart, God answers.  my time in nicaragua has been incredible, thanks to my nicaraguan family. they have taken care of me like i am truly their daughter, sister, cousin, niece, grandchild. this trip was planned out years ahead of me, each detail taken care of before i spoke a word of spanish. i will leave you with a classic bible verse, but it rings so true in my life right now, it always will.

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call to me and I will answer you,  you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

as you have may be read throughout this semester, i have continually felt the pull between two countries, nicaragua and united states. i see my life at a cross roads, having to declare loyalty to one path or the other. part of me desires to live in latin america, fully emersed in spanish, tortillas and a community of very large women who tell me i am fat too.  the other part of me cant bear to raise a family apart from my own.  i need my mom too much, my kids will be a disaster if i am not close to her. i see myself working with the latino community in columbus, and enjoying running water and air conditioning and jr. bacon cheeseburgers. i know i am only 20, i have years and years to let my life play out. it is just that i am here and am experiencing the pain and uneasiness of never being "home."

So i took these thoughts to my lovely Jesus, to see what he had to say about this situation. very clearly he told me that "But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." I know that still doesnt give me a yes or a no, but it clearly tells me that i will never be home here on earth. i will spend the rest of my life waiting, restless, eager to be home, where my heart is.

and it makes sense, if i look around, take in the worldy view here, i have no desire to claim "home sweet home". i am surrounded by starving children, corruption, greed, indifference and...death. i need to calm down and stop searching for a place in this world, i dont belong here. what a beautiful letdown...

so for now i dont need to decide if i want to eat tortillas or french fries for the rest of my life. i think i will continually wait and search for Jesus, my blessed hope, my rock, my home.

last thursday i turned in my research paper, friday i gave my exposition. saturday and sunday we have spent together as a group, debriefing and evaluations and re-entry talks.  the group leaves tuesday, i will be in nicaragua until the 27th, then off to spend the weekend with my uncle jon in orlando. i will be back in cbus the 29th. i try not to get ahead of myself, i want to enjoy my last two weeks here.

i remember when i got to managua how scary it was, riding the bus scared me, taking a taxi scared me, being out at night scared me, so unfamiliar and far away, so much to think about. now nicarauga has become my home, i know where to safely sit on the bus and what taxi drivers to stay away from. the feeling of women gently pushing you in the crowded markets, street evangalists screaming out "blood of christ, the precious blood of christ", men selling plastic cell phone cases, children cleaning the windshield of rich cars, cab drivers making circles around you, honking wildly to get your attention... so much activity that used to send my head spinning now feels comfortable, snuggly...home.  i know i am ready to be in ohio, but i dont know if i am ready to leave.

DONE

i just finished my research paper, my nicaraguan baby! hours of interviews, getting lost in taxis, getting stood up by transvestites, cancelation due to transportation strikes, days spent in a small, hot internet cafe/oven, translation confusion, dictionary dependency, transcribing transcribing transcribing...25 pages later i can pronounce done and dead. 

it has been an amazing experience. I have investigated the lives of two women in managua who are sex workers.  my paper is full of precious stories of their work and lives. what type of music they like, names of their children, beliefs on politics and abortion, how much they charge for a full night. stories of abuse and abandonment, of finding hope in a loving God, "who adores me" (mi Dioscito...me adora). I am forever grateful for the genorsity they have shown me, from being patient with my struggling spanish to sharing things about them that no one has ever heard.  I have chosen not to update or write too much about them, to protect their privacy and to give me time to process what I have witnessed.  my time is almost up though, and I am looking foward to coming home and sharing everything I have heard and seen. 

"i have much to write to you, but i do not want to use paper and ink.  instead, i hope to visit you and talk with you face to face, so that our joy my be complete." 2 john 12